If Jesus Did, I Will Too

For some reason, I've been in a very introspective mode lately. Not sure why?!?!

Lately we've been reading about the Amazing Mother Theresa, probably the closest thing to a Saint that lived during my lifetime (next to my lovely bride, of course)! Yet for all that Mother Theresa did to spread the love of Jesus to the poor and destitute, and as much as she sacrificed, and as much as she obeyed the call of God on her life, she still had internal doubts and questions.

Just recently some of her personal journal pages have been released, and have revealed how she questioned her own faith, and questioned wether God was really in her, and wether or not God had abandoned her! It has rocked many people of Faith. People don't know what to do with these personal confessions of this most amazing soul!

These doubts and questions she was having even troubled me! Cause to be honest, I have the same doubts and questions!!! But sometimes I feel like you aren't supposed to admit that because than your faith must not be real. People of faith say they KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, and never question it. There are moments when I know, and moments when I question! But when someone says that when Jesus lives in you, there is never doubt, I struggle! So I hold it in, but than it makes me question my faith more!!! Why can't I talk about it and not sound less like a believer? Why can't I be honest? Why can't I say these things and not be judged. There is NO WAY any believer can tell me that they don't ever have doubts from time to time! And if they do tell me that, than I don't believe they are being honest with themself. Of course, I could be wrong.

BUT, think about this: when Jesus hung on the cross in His final moments, He said 9 words that are just as important as any of the other words He spoke. Words that validate my feelings that everyone feels doubt. Words that Mother Theresa resonated with, and words that I do too. Jesus, in his dying moments said, "My God, My God, why have YOU FORSAKEN ME?"

Jesus felt forsaken! Did you catch that? Jesus felt forsaken. And if JESUS felt FORSAKEN (alone, abandoned, empty, forgotten, rejected, deserted, cast-off), and if Mother Theresa felt the same, than how can I ever expect to have a faith that doesn't go through times of emptiness and aloneness and feelings of being forsaken? I believe in that moment, Jesus experienced humanity at it's deepest level. He knows. He understands. And He feels your moments of deepest pain, doubt, and fear!

We can't let these questions and doubts cause us to run away. And we can't pretend like we know the answer to every question, fear, and doubt! That's not real. What's real is doubt. What's real is fear. And what's real is a faith and a Savior that has experienced these very things.
Jesus felt forsaken, alone, and forgotten ... and it was at His GREATEST moment! Mother Theresa felt the same. I probably will too.

Yet and still, I do believe!!!

Confessions

The major reason for this blog is two things: First, I want to create a place of memories for Noah and Sammy to look back on some day, and since I don't scrapbook, I blog. Second, I want to create a place where I talk about my own struggles, revelations, feelings, and challenges so that they can look back on it one day and learn from it or simply gain a better understanding of who I am, how I viewed life, and how I learned or didn't learn.

To me, there is only one thing I can do to try and raise healthy kids, and that is be geniune! I make too many mistakes to try and fake like I'm doing a good job. Hopefully if I am real about my love for them and my desires for them, than they will have a healthy outlook on life, relationships, and faith!

With that in mind, I want to confess one of my struggles. And to tell you the truth, I don't even know how or what to confess. Basically, I'm trying to intertwine the good part of two different philosophies of living, and leave out the non-good parts.

The first philosophy is the c'est la vie philosophy of living that says, whatever happens, happens. No big deal. Just take life as it comes. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Such is Life! When I live like this, I'm much more calm. I don't get as upset about dumb stuff. I'm much more relaxed, and much more happy. Because of that, I enjoy relationships and people much more, and feel like I'm a better person relationally. But the down side is I'm much less motivated, and much less driven to achieve. I don't really advance my goals, or feel like I'm advancing spiritually, professionally, or personally with achievements. I like how I feel on the inside, but not what I'm doing on the outside.

The second philosphy is the achiever philosophy that says, set goals, strive for achievement, don't sit still and waste time, but go and take life by the throat, tie it in a knot, pull it down and stick it in your pocket (an old Chris Farley / Matt Foley motivational speaker reference - smile)! When I do strive for goals, I usually accomplish them. I do more with life. I grow more in my skill sets, in my knowledge, and in my goals. The down side is that when I do this, I find myself becoming more controlling. I work harder to control my circumstances to achieve my goals, but find it bleeding into my relationships, which isn't good. I become less accepting of people who aren't driven or aren't like me. I struggle more with accepting mediocrity, and seem to lose respect for those that do. I like what I'm doing on the outside, but not how I feel on the inside.

My struggle: how do I find the balance? I want to be better, achieve goals, grow as a person, etc., but I also want to enjoy life as it comes, take life with a grain of salt, love the people around me, and most importantly, make the people around me feel loved! I want both, and I know it's possible, but I'm struggling to find the balance in myself.

I don't have the answers. But sometimes the answers start with a true awareness of seeing the struggle for what it is. I think I'm getting closer to that awareness. And I know God wants me to find the balance. I just wish it came a little easier than it is.

Hard To Find

Why is it so hard to find a good church? I must be too selfish, or too spoiled, or too wierd, or something, cause we just cannot find a church that my family likes!

Yesterday, we went to our favorite church - NCC. Problem is, NCC is nearly 40 miles from where we live. That wouldn't be that big of a deal, except it limits our ability to get involved in ministries, small groups, and meaningful relationships. It also limits our children's ability to do the same - - the most concerning to us is their inability to form friendships with local peers of the same faith!

We have visited many many many different churches out where we live, and we just can't find one. Why can't we find a church that rocks? Are we that selfish? Are we that spoiled?

I mean I seriously read blogs by other pastors and about other churches that make me literally want to move to their town so I can go to their church and my kids can be a part of their amazing youth groups! Why can't we have one of those where we live. Or within 15 miles of where live. Or even 20 miles!!! Seriously!!!!

I'm frustrated! Their is little more important to me than finding a church where we can ALL grow in our faith. Not just me. Not just my wife. Not just my kids. ALL.

Another HUGE Technological Advance!

I love technology and e-commerce!

The latest great advance is mylunchmoney.com, where you can go and pay for your kids lunches online with a credit card! How great is that!!!

No more "missing money" that seems to disappear between home and school. No more "You Owe $xx.xx For Lunches". And no more robbing the kids piggy banks to pay for their lunches b/c you don't have cash on hand (although I still borrow for other things)!

What's even more amazing is you can pull a history down on what your kids have been eating, set weekly spending limits, and even daily spending limits! I love it!!!

Just opened our Lunch Money account, funded it, and the kids are ready to roll.

When He is Weak, I am Strong!

Poor little Sammy! He's had a fever for the last couple of days, and he's been having really strong stomach cramps.

Our kids rarely ever get sick. So when they do, we always get nervous! Just the smallest little variance in their ailment can make you wonder if it's just the simple virus, or something more serious!

What is so amazing is how life seems to slow down, and really seems to simplify when your child is sick! Your love for them seems to become stronger when they become sick. You feel more drawn to them in their weakness! You give them more attention, touching them more, holding them more, and giving them as much emotional energy as possible!!! When Sammy becomes weak, I become strong for him! Now granted, b/c our kids rarely get sick, we probably over-exaggerate things when they do, but it really does make us stop and become aware of how much we value the ones we love!!!

Jesus said, "I came for the sick, not the healthy!" What I often forget is that when I am spiritually or emotionally sick, I believe that God has the same response toward me as I do for my children when they are sick. He is drawn to me and to giving me more attention and more love and more of emotion. When I am confused, He wants to comfort me. When I am full of questions, He wants to talk with me. When I am alone, He wants to be with me. When I am weak, He is strong! When Mother Theresa had doubts, God was drawn to her! He doesn't run from our questions, doubts, and sicknesses! He is actually drawn to them! We need to talk to God and tell him our fears, doubts, and hurts!!! It is in those honest moments that He is most generous with His love and peace and revelation. There is nothing God wants more for me than for me to be whole (healthy)!


There is nothing more I want for my boys than for them to be whole (in spirit, mind and body -- which I interpret as to be in a relationship with Jesus, happy, and healthy - - in that order!)!

The Last Several Weeks Summary

August 8 - 18 - Noah and Sammy flew down to Memphis, TN to visit Grammy. They had a blast hanging with Uncle Andy & Aunt Scotti, and Aunt Scotti's niece and nephew, Ahston & Mason. They also hung out with Uncle Cheston & Aunt Andi, and met their newest cousin, Morgan Jane! The visit included going to the zoo, several parties, swimming almost every day in Grammie's inground pool, going to the movies, reading stories every night with Grammy, and visiting lots and lots of old friends.

August 17 - Robb and Carrie celebrated Carrie's bday with friends by going to the Def Leppard concert at Nissan Pavillion (warm up bands were Styx & Foreigner)! I think we had about 15 of us together, and it was a blast!!!

August 18 - Carrie's official bday. Celebrated by going shopping, going out for dinner in Chrystal City (Ethiopian), and than picking up the boys at the airport!!! YAY!!!

August 19 -24 - life as usual for the week, except having to say goodbye to one of our favorite summer Nannies of all time, Hannah. The kids loved her, and she was awesome!!! Thanks Hannah - we'll miss you!!!

August 25- Sept. 1 - Vacation in Corolla, NC. Rented beach house with our friends, Matt and Jen and Mia and Sophia Field. We love the beach!!! Also had a visit from Heidi and her sons Alex and Austin, as well as Suzanne and her kids Tyler and Kali.

Sept. 2-3 - Labor Day weekend! The family all came out on Sunday night, and stayed Monday for our annual back-to-school last fling! BBQ'd (meat extravaganza thanks to Matt), hit the pool for the last time, and watched several hours of The Dog Whisperer. Also, the kids organized a massage and carwash business, making around $25! And let me tell you, be sure to pay the $2 for the Deluxe Massage! They really do a good job!!! (ps - thanks for the pic, Nina)



Sept. 4 - First day of school. Noah's in 5th Grade, and has Mrs Stephens and Mrs Schwartz. Sammy is in 3rd grade and has Mrs Gallion. Both boys had a great first week of school, and are very excited about their teachers and some of the new friends they have already made. On a bad note, Sammy's hamster ("Hammy") escaped from his cage.

Sept. 5 - First day of soccer practice for Noah. Team looks like it's going to do fairly well this year! Looking forward to a fun year of soccer. I love fall soccer!

Sept. 8 - Captured Hammy alive and well. He's back in his cage! YAY!!!!

Sept. 9 - First Bears game of the year! Unfortunately, they lost! :-(

There it is. More to come.

OBX 2007

There is a sad story behind this post, and an explanation for the long delay between posts. I would like to apologize to all (both) my blog readers for the delay, but my trust little Casio Digital Camera has passed on. What's so bad is that when I put it in the pocket of my swim suit, I said to myself, "You better not do that, cause you might forget it and go swimming in the Ocean." But than I thought, nah, I'll feel it in there and take it out. Well, needless to say, my camera doesn't like salt water!

The good news is I was able to save the memory card from the camera, and finally found a friend who could upload the pics for me! YAY! So now I have some pics from our 4th Annual Summer Vacation to the Outer Banks (Corolla, to be exact)!

Sammy taking on the waves!

Noah jumping over the waves!

Two handsome dudes!

Now that's the life (Carrie & Jen)

The Crew (Fields & Schmidgall)