Confessions

The major reason for this blog is two things: First, I want to create a place of memories for Noah and Sammy to look back on some day, and since I don't scrapbook, I blog. Second, I want to create a place where I talk about my own struggles, revelations, feelings, and challenges so that they can look back on it one day and learn from it or simply gain a better understanding of who I am, how I viewed life, and how I learned or didn't learn.

To me, there is only one thing I can do to try and raise healthy kids, and that is be geniune! I make too many mistakes to try and fake like I'm doing a good job. Hopefully if I am real about my love for them and my desires for them, than they will have a healthy outlook on life, relationships, and faith!

With that in mind, I want to confess one of my struggles. And to tell you the truth, I don't even know how or what to confess. Basically, I'm trying to intertwine the good part of two different philosophies of living, and leave out the non-good parts.

The first philosophy is the c'est la vie philosophy of living that says, whatever happens, happens. No big deal. Just take life as it comes. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Such is Life! When I live like this, I'm much more calm. I don't get as upset about dumb stuff. I'm much more relaxed, and much more happy. Because of that, I enjoy relationships and people much more, and feel like I'm a better person relationally. But the down side is I'm much less motivated, and much less driven to achieve. I don't really advance my goals, or feel like I'm advancing spiritually, professionally, or personally with achievements. I like how I feel on the inside, but not what I'm doing on the outside.

The second philosphy is the achiever philosophy that says, set goals, strive for achievement, don't sit still and waste time, but go and take life by the throat, tie it in a knot, pull it down and stick it in your pocket (an old Chris Farley / Matt Foley motivational speaker reference - smile)! When I do strive for goals, I usually accomplish them. I do more with life. I grow more in my skill sets, in my knowledge, and in my goals. The down side is that when I do this, I find myself becoming more controlling. I work harder to control my circumstances to achieve my goals, but find it bleeding into my relationships, which isn't good. I become less accepting of people who aren't driven or aren't like me. I struggle more with accepting mediocrity, and seem to lose respect for those that do. I like what I'm doing on the outside, but not how I feel on the inside.

My struggle: how do I find the balance? I want to be better, achieve goals, grow as a person, etc., but I also want to enjoy life as it comes, take life with a grain of salt, love the people around me, and most importantly, make the people around me feel loved! I want both, and I know it's possible, but I'm struggling to find the balance in myself.

I don't have the answers. But sometimes the answers start with a true awareness of seeing the struggle for what it is. I think I'm getting closer to that awareness. And I know God wants me to find the balance. I just wish it came a little easier than it is.